Sunday, August 27, 2006
I have anxiety. I don't know if you call it general anxiety disorder, or what, but it's anxiety that comes and goes, and generally makes my life miserable. I often feel as though nothing is right, that everything is wrong. I'm anxious about going out, I'm anxious about staying in. I'm anxious about spending money, I'm anxious about not buying anything. I'm anxious about making phone calls, but not talking on the phone leaves me isolated, particularly as I'm a stay-at-home mom who often literally stays at home all day. I'm anxious about the mess my home is in, but my brain is so scrambled I don't know where to begin to clean it. I hate it.
I know for me the anxiety is at least partially biological in cause, although the exact biology of it isn't clear to me. Candida, which I know I have, can cause anxiety, as can die-off when on an anti-candida diet (which I'm tiptoing on the edges of -- I cheat -- by eating fruit, honey, or carrots, just a little bit each day, probably enough to keep the candida alive but also just enough to keep from totally losing it). I know my anxiety is probably at least partially inherited from my mom, as she seemed like a pretty anxious person, always on the go and rarely relaxed unless she was reading a book. Whether I inhertited her candida and nutritional problems or her genetic problems is not clear though, as both can come to a person from their mother. And gut issues, and nutrition, are definitely tied up with mood and other mental problems.
What to do about it?
I used to be on Prozac, and it helped both my anxiety and my depression, but it made me feel like crap. I was tired all the time, needed coffee just to get going, often took naps in the middle of the day (yes, even at work), and slept 11 hours per night on weekends. I have been trying various homeopathic remedies, including gelsemium sempervirons, staphysagria, sepia, natrum muriaticum, and thuja, but none has resolved it. I just have a drawer full of little vials of these round pellets. The diet that I've been on for almost a year, the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, has helped many who had gut issues, but it doesn't seem to have done much for me beyond helping me to lose some weight. I'm guessing that the candida are just too strong for it, and I will have to do something else.
And the torch is passed
My son definitely has separation anxiety, and is generally very high needs, so I'm pretty sure my problems have been passed on to him, whether through gut flora and nutrition problems he got in utero and/or during and after birth (candida from the birth canal and candida and missing nutrients in my breastmilk), or through just being around an anxious and depressed mom. I was thinking today how few memories I have of having real fun with him, and how few memories I have of having real fun with my mom, and it saddened me. How can I right this? I don't want him to grow up to be anxious and depressed like I am. I want him to be happy, healthy, and full of joy and love. What do I do to change things?
All I really want to do now is eat regular food again, like cereal and milk and pie and such. Give me a pill that will let me be healthy on a whole foods diet that isn't so limited, please! I can't even go camping because of a) the anxiety and b) the fact that the diet I'm on requires me not to use any canned or processed foods, which means I have to cook every meal -- not easy on a campstove with a few tiny camping pots. I can't enjoy life and I'm sick of it. Help me, please! I am tempted to chuck the whole thing, ask to be put on Prozac or St John's Wort or something, and eat at Denny's!