Saturday, January 21, 2006

Infertility blues

Pity Party for me about infertility and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome)
Today I just feel so resentful of my infertility, and PCOS. If it wasn't for it, I would probably have more than one child by now, and wouldn't feel so weird about my body. I wouldn't feel like there's diabetes around the corner for me (since it's associated with PCOS, and my brother has it). I feel like my body betrayed me, and that it is so damaged. I know it could be worse, I know I am fortunate in many ways, but I still am angry about being infertile. Yes, I do have one son, who is an amazing person. We were able to conceive with help from modern medicine, eventually, but it was late in my life and there's really no time left to do it again, what with my being 40 and ds still nursing. Not to mention that we don't have anyone to watch him during medical appointments, of which there would be many during infertility treatment. I am so mad and sad that I can't conceive without medical intervention, and that for so many years we did nothing, or the wrong things, about it. At least, looking back, they were the wrong things. I should have hurried more, for one thing, so maybe I could have had a second by now. Boo hoo!
Why me? Why anyone?
I am so envious of Brooke Shields, who was able to conceive a second child without any medical assistance, despite having had to resort to IVF for her first daughter. But then, she had much worse PPD than I did, and from what I understand her daughter had to be weaned well before her first birthday, which is sad. Why do I have to live with PCOS and infertility? But why does anyone have to live with anything that is difficult? That's life, isn't it? There are plenty to envy, and plenty to feel compassion for out there, so why am I feeling sorry for myself? Is it something I learned, is it the depression? Is it just laziness? Sure, no matter what, it's possible to find something wrong with your situation, something to feel bad about. Why do I fixate on what I can't have rather than what I do have? And why not spend some of my energy contributing to the world, rather than just feeling sorry for myself? Does anyone have any answers? Or solace for me? It's probably our modern American diet, including our food supply that is contaminated and deficient in nutrients. But not everybody has been rendered infertile (yet). Just 10% or so of the population. One rare group I don't enjoy being a part of.


Bellejar said...

I am so sorry you have PCOS, my bestfriend from grade school has it and is probably not going to be able to have children. She also had one of her ovaries removed due to some other complication. That is so hard.

Jen-Jen said...

Thanks, bellejar, for the support. I feel selfish sometimes wishing for more babies, being envious of others, when there are so many things for me to be thankful for and so many others out there with such worse stories. But sometimes it's nice to throw yourself a pity party, LOL.

LB said...

Hey Jen,

I have one answer for you. Don't be so hard on yourself! Those are good questions you ask. I wonder about a lot of those whys too. Sorry you are having to deal with so much. I think it is probably good to rant about it sometimes. Take care my friend.


Emily said...

Hi. I linked here from your siggy in a NT post on MDC. I hope you continue posting. :)