Friday, August 15, 2008

Things that bug me

These are things that bug me constantly, bouncing around in my head and torturing me incessantly. I hope that writing them down will help get them out of there, because some days I just want to whack them out!

1. My son has no sibling. I never thought I would raise a child without a sibling, but that's how it's worked out. I grieve for the sibling he has never had. I am constantly envious of anyone I know who has more than one child -- even strangers on the street. I spend a lot of my time thinking about how it sucks to be "fertility challenged" and getting too old to even see the reproductive endocrinologist. I am consumed with self-hatred for bringing a child into the world without any workable plan to give him a sibling (such as doing IVF instead back then and freezing some embryos to save for a sibling). I spend much of my time researching (fruitlessly so far) a cure for PCOS. I am simply miserable that I've had no luck (and had a miscarriage recently to boot).

2. My son will never know his maternal grandparents, and I do not have my mom to help out, talk to, back me up. I feel incredibly lonely and abandoned without her here. I am insanely envious of people who have their parents, and especially resent them complaining about them when they have no idea how hard it is to parent your child with no parents of your own to turn to (even if they may interfere too much, it's still something, love or whatever, for the child). I was recently at a birthday party where the birthday child had not only both his grandmothers there, but also two of his great-grandmothers. I was again, so consumed with envy, and angry for my son. My son will never ever have that. He's met his paternal grandmother, who is quite ill, once in his life, for a few days, which he barely remembers, and she is really quite out of it at this point. She hasn't even sent him so much as a frigging birthday card since he was a baby. I hate it that it angers me to see grandmothers doting on their grandchildren. I'm not angry at them, I'm angry at myself for having a kid knowing he'd never have that. And angry for him, and sad for him, that he won't have that extra love in his life. And angry at my mom for dying. And angry at myself for not doing more for her when she was alive so that maybe she would have lived. I feel overwhelmed that he's only got one generation, not two or three, to love him. Nobody who has their parents still alive can possibly understand how crappy it is. And I don't actually know anyone else who is in this position.

3. We live in an apartment. There are good things about it, like lots of other kids (although some of them are mean), but mostly it sucks. I hate it that we can't walk out our door and still feel at home. I hate it that we have nowhere to grow things. I'm so jealous of all the moms I meet who have homes. I hate myself for being jealous. I never expected to raise a child in such a place. It feels very wrong to me. But housing here is too expensive for any other options. Unless I go to work and put my son in daycare and full day kindergarten, which I hear is a nightmare. I feel trapped.

4. My son has terrible teeth. I don't even know how many fillings he's had now, there are so many. I hate that. And I have no idea what to do about it. I hate that.

3 comments:

chasmyn said...

I hear you - some things just really need to be let out and to be head. So I hear you, I'm reading, and I'm sending you love and virtual hugs.

Sherry said...

Hi Jen,

I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now. I found you when I was searched for SCD support, as my two teenagers and I are on the diet. When you went off the diet, I kept you on my bloglines, because I've been cheering for you all since getting to know you a bit. I had a SCD counselor point me to a forum of mostly parents of children with autism. (My kids and I have chronic fatigue that is gastro/intestinal related.) It is a forum that is following the Vitamin K protocol of supplements. I mention it to you because many of the parents on the list report that their childrens' teeth have seen much improvement since being on the Vitamin K protocol. If you are interested in reading up on it to decide if you'd like to pursue it, comment on my blog with your e-mail address and I will send you a couple of links. Take care.

kimsalerno said...

hello! i clicked on your blog through the Mothering boards and just wanted to send a hug for this post. i have one son also (3 yrs.) and although we're considering having another, there is nothing weird or wrong about an only child. i am one myself! :-) and i grew up in an apartment with my mom and dad.....and i have nothing but great memories. it was tiny but decorated beautifully and i was surrounded by love....that's what matters.
my mother is gone also....and i know how tough it is to have that void....as a daughter and as a mother...to not have that connection for your own baby. i feel envious of others too....you're not alone.
much love to you